What a mess I’ve been feeling this last week or so!
GOOD THINGS: My lease for my current rental is up in a few weeks and I’ve been very excited about finding a new place. VERY excited. But, for me….
VERY excited = possibly-hypomanic-but-does-not-yet-realise-this-and-won’t-until-it’s-too-late.
I spent 4 days obsessively looking for a new home in a new suburb until I found the perfect one and learned all I needed to learn about the schools, transport, shops, etc. until I found the perfect one. Then I spent my nights pretend-shopping for the extra rooms in my new home and dreaming about my new perfect life. Luckily (yes, luckily!) I am broke and couldn’t burrow myself any deeper into my hole of debt. Phew!!
BAD THINGS: Dealing with my horribly manipulative ex husband treating our son in exactly the same way he used to with me. Also, trying to come up with the money to move. Also, a big ol’ mess of diagnoses.
Since my last post I’ve seen a further 2 psychiatrists. I think I’ll post separately about this but to cut a long story short, one said he disagreed with my previous diagnosis of bipolar 2 as I ‘didn’t present like one’, and instead concluded I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). I was delighted about this until I got out to my car, googled it (naturally) and realised it was just a gentler name for Borderline Personality Disorder. He referred me to group therapy, where I had to have a one-on-one initial assessment with another psychiatrist. I met this other psychiatrist today, who told me that she disagreed with him and decided I actually have both. Fucking Marvellous.
I’m feeling a whole mixture of emotions now…weird relief that I do actually have Bipolar as that’s so familiar to me by now, and I almost feel comfort knowing that I belong in a category and not just cray cray; anger that I am defining my life by the opinions of those doctors; confusion – which one of them is right FFS?!!
Somehow I’ve remained on the Path to Sobriety and reaching 52 days now…yesssss!!!! Actually, scratch that. What path?! I AM sober, I’m already here! I know it doesn’t sound like much, but considering the stress of the last few weeks I’m really surprised I haven’t buckled given my past habits.
One major realisation I’ve made in relation to alcohol is one I’m hoping will help anyone else reading this who also struggles with alcohol or any other drug. We’re told we ‘abuse’ our substance of choice. For me, with that comes shame because it seems like something I do actively. But lately, after reading Jason Vale’s book on alcohol abuse, I’ve realised that it’s alcohol that abuses me.
When I think of a wine bottle these days, I see skinny little arms and legs poking out. It’s holding strings that are attached to me and and it makes me act in inappropriate ways or say inappropriate things – just a puppet for it’s own entertainment. Once its done with me, it leaves me bundled in a heap on my bed unable to move. I’ve wasted months lying in my bed unable to face the world from shame, but thinking of substance abuse in this way somehow gives me more courage and more kindness towards myself. I see myself as a 13yr old again and I get so angry at that scrawny wine bottle for treating me that way, and for tricking me for all those years ever since. Who knows if this way of thinking will last, I hope it does. I’m really interested to see what works for others actually.
Well done to each and every one of you forging your own way out of the darkness. I really am so incredibly proud of us all. Life is bloody tough, but I am so grateful to be a part of a group of champions who are working hard to make our stories happier.